Enlightenment lost to life’s illusions

Brad made a second trip to India, less than a year later. The taxi dropped him off at 5 am near some cheap hotels near Lachsman Jhula, and just minutes walk from ShantiMayi’s ashram. After an 8 hour ride from New Delhi, as if to test his desire for attaining Enlightenment, he sat shivering on a bench until the sun rose. The hotels began to open for business, creating a mystical setting in the foothills of the Himalayas. Smoke drifted in the morning glow from fires lit up and down along the hillsides. It would be hours before the sun would shine directly into the valley along the Ganges River, right around time for the first satsang of the day.

She sat there, the beautiful ShantMayi,  the woman who had pierced his heart instantly, and she went into a rage. “Some of you have been coming here for years. Five years, ten years and you don’t awaken! What is your problem? I’m tired of seeing your faces and knowing you’re not getting it. GET OUT! GET OUT OF MY ASHRAM, if you’re not here to awaken to the truth!” Her burning eyes pulverized passive minds and timid souls, forcing some to rise, heads bowed in shame, hurting, and with tears in their eyes. They left, never to return. Brad too had tears in his eyes, but he did not leave. The tears came because her severe Truth deepened his love for this Guru. He was right where he was supposed to be. It catalyzed his desire for Enlightenment more than ever.

Satsangs came and went, and ShantiMayi tackled his questions, sometimes encouraging him, other times rejecting him with harsh judgments. It only made him go deeper, until he accepted a need to lose the boundaries that defined his human existence, and burn for the unknown. Impatient for deepening,  the path to awakening was obliterated. The Truth was here and now, and without beginning or end. There was no path.

The day came after his return to California, when he was back at work, alone, and living his daily routine. Suddenly, awakening one morning, he arose without a thought, and began wordlessly pacing about his monastic apartment, with no concept of an individual identity. His body was filled with energetic vibration, and within his head he heard the sound of the creation of the universe. Ommmmmmmmm. It was a pleasant background sensation that enhanced his focus. The realization came, that the creation of the Universe was not only something that occurred 13 billion years ago; it was occurring right now, all around him, from infinite points in space, creating and recreating everything he experienced. He recognized it as the Truth he had been seeking. But he didn’t know what to do with it.

He lost it a year later. He tried to blame ShantiMayi who was off teaching in Europe, where she was very popular. He tried to blame another guru he was seeing in California, Gangaji. He had shared his discovery in dialogues with both of them, and they had both said the same thing: “That’s it! Now be quiet.” He took that as a sign that he was finished, and that by observing a period of silence he would be free, and entitled to the recognition of having achieved Enlightenment. But the masters knew better.

He would go around with his precious spiritual awareness, excited by new ways of putting thoughts and words together. The words would come in bursts of energy, and people’s eyes would glaze over. Months went by, and then pangs of desire came in like the tide of an ocean. After a while, the freedom faded, and he didn’t know why.  He worried about it, and went to a teaching by Adyashanti, who was just starting out, a clever and articulate young teacher who would talk about traps to Enlightenment. Brad tried to meditate, but nothing happened. His mind would settle into stillness for as long as he cared to sit, and the clock would tick on, taunting his timeless awareness. Thoughts about having better things, and finding a loving relationship began to crowd his mental space, making him want what he didn’t have. Making him restless.

Perhaps keeping quiet had been bad advice. He felt annoyed at the Master teachers, ShantiMayi and Gangaji. He even accused the Bodhisattvas from higher realms. It couldn’t be his fault! He had traveled to the other side of the world, endured harsh conditions, and given his heart and soul for it, yet his new energy and vibrational purity was being taken over by exciting desires. The desire to make more money. The desire for a sexy soulmate. The desire for the high life.

Brad’s mind, having achieved the precious realization of the infinite moment, wandered badly, and returned to the ocean of illusion.