Criticized by a kamikaze pilot

On his home turf, Otosan was the King. He seemed to enjoy bossing people and rebutting any opinion. At least once he had Elly in tears. Brad could not understand a word of the man’s fierce Japanese and would ask Elly to break it down. Then he tried to win the old man over. It was a mistake.

Brad told Otosan, through Elly’s translation, about his childhood and how he had tried to help his family. He told about his father’s alcoholism, their poverty, and about how at the age of 16 he had left his family to go and work his way through school and become a successful doctor. Elly hesitated several times, but Brad wanted to impress the old man and pushed her to continue translating. Otosan listened patiently, but in the end Brad was confronted with the man’s cold stare. Elly sat glumly, staring at the table. Finally, Otosan spoke.

“Ah! So desu ka?” said Otosan, his voice an angry growl. It made Brad lean back in his chair, away from the father-in-law. The senior went into a tirade, like a Japanese General in a war movie, until Elly finally stood up, grabbed Brad’s arm, and got them out of the kitchen. She led him down the hall and into a tatami room, where she could close the door.

She was holding tears back. “He is saying that you are a terrible person for leaving your family. He told the story about how his father was an alcoholic and spent all his money on drinking, and the family was poor and only survived because they grew their rice and vegetables. Otosan went to the recruiting office and filled out papers to get assigned as a Kamikaze pilot, which would give his family money when he died. He was only 14, too young for the military and he was rejected. So, he got two jobs and went to night school to help his family, and he made sure his younger brothers and sister were taken care of and could go to school. He never left and everyone in his family is okay now, and they have homes and their own families, all because he stayed. He says that you are…” She broke off and could no longer hold back her tears. She caught her breath. “I had to hear this story many times. He is so proud of himself. Now he uses it to attack you. He says you are a traitor, and you only cared about yourself.”

Something inside of Brad shut down right there in the Yamashita house, where a family drama had played out many decades ago that was like his childhood. He sat on the tatami mat and tried to make sense of it, but a rational thought would not take hold. Otosan is right. Oh god. The horror. Failure and self-hate welled inside of him. He had deserted his family when they most needed him. He could see the damage he had caused them every time they got together. The drinking, the conflicts, the self-abuse. How could he think that all of these years he had done the right thing? Feeling empty and sick, he slumped and rolled into a ball on the tatami mat.